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<title>IKEA Is The Gate to Hell by rokosourobouros</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22740646">IKEA Is The Gate to Hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokosourobouros/pseuds/rokosourobouros'>rokosourobouros</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(i wrote this in like 10 minutes literally just for fun), (kind of. this is pretty crackish), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Curtain Fic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, IKEA, M/M, Other, Trans Character, Trope Bingo Round 14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 19:07:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>589</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22740646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokosourobouros/pseuds/rokosourobouros</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Edward Elric/Envy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>IKEA Is The Gate to Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                Envy had lived through impossible trials. He had survived plagues, immune to their devastating effects; he had darted, laughing, through warzones; he had walked in on Dante and her lover mid-screw and survived to tell the tale. But finally, he had found the one form of torture that worked on him.</p><p>                “<em>Please </em>tell me we’re done soon,” he moaned, draping himself over the trolley.</p><p>                “I need a bookshelf! And it has to be the right kind, too.”</p><p>                Envy stared balefully up at the rows and rows of drapery, the furniture as far as the eye could see, and the other trolleys filled with bored children. “It’s a shelf. That holds books. How specific does it need to <em>be.</em>”</p><p>                “Ooh, this one has glass doors!” Ed started excitedly opening and closing the front, then stuck his head inside the shelf. Envy heard him rapping his fist against the wood back, and wondered if he’d be able to stuff Ed in there whole without taking any shelves out. Maybe he’d just <em>leave </em>him here. Stupid fucking alchemists and their stupid fucking book collections and Ed with his stupid fucking ‘we can’t just leave my super valuable books in milk crates Envy jesus christ’.</p><p>                “Mommy, that man is wearing a skirt!”</p><p>                Also, that. Envy bared his teeth at the kid in question, whose mother hurriedly pulled her away. He’d seen a child depository at the front- Smaland, whatever the <em>fuck </em>that meant – so why the parent hadn’t put her there he didn’t know.</p><p>                “Ed, can you please just <em>pick a fucking shelf-</em>“</p><p>                “I really like this one, but I’m kind of into how tall the other one is…”</p><p>                Great. Great, he was stuck in a version of hell called Ikea and his boyfriend had gotten a case of selective hearing.</p><p>                There was a tug on his skirt, and he looked down. The childspawn had gotten away from her mother somehow.</p><p>                “What,” he sighed, reflecting miserably on his promise not to kill people anymore.</p><p>                “I like your skirt.”</p><p>                “Right.”</p><p>                “Mommy says boys aren’t supposed to wear skirts.”</p><p>                Envy rolled his eyes. “Who said I’m a boy?”</p><p>                The girl opened her mouth, then her eyes went wide. “Whooooa. Cool! Are you a girl then?”</p><p>                “I’m a homunculus.”</p><p>                “What’s a honunkler?”</p><p>                “I’m not a boy or a girl. I’m just <em>me.</em>” He was starting to get really irritated – then he glanced down at her again, and how deep in thought she was.</p><p>                “Can I be a honunkler too?”</p><p>                “Why?”</p><p>                She pulled a face. “Being a girl is <em>gross.</em>”</p><p>                Envy blinked in surprised – then laughed, finally processing. “You can be whatever the fuck you want. You can even be a boy if you like.”</p><p>                “<em>Really?</em>”</p><p>                “Really really. Just get your grubby little paws off my fucking clothes.”</p><p>                “Okay!”</p><p>                The kid fled off back to their mother, and Envy snorted, thinking about the inevitable chaos later when they told their mother they’d decided to be a ‘honunkler’. Wreaking chaos was too much fun to stop.</p><p>                Then he realized that Ed had his arms folded on top of one of the bookshelf doors, staring at him with an amused look. “What?”</p><p>                “Did you just tell that kid they could be trans?”</p><p>                “What? No, I di-“ Envy paused. “…Well, uh….”</p><p>                “That’s so <em>sweet.</em>”</p><p>                “I’m gonna kill you.”</p><p>                “Really, Envy. That’s unbelievably heartwarming coming from y-“</p><p>                Envy tried to stifle the blush rising to his face. “Keep going, Chibi. Let’s see how far across this place I can punt you.”</p><p>                “I’m getting this shelf, by the way.”</p><p>                “Thank <em>fucking god.</em>”</p>
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